My whole life I’ve been fighting the term shy. Who’s shy? Not me. Nope. Just let me hide in here for a moment and it will all be good. Oddly once I learned the term introverted I latched on to it. So now I’m sitting here pondering the logic there. How can I be introverted but not shy?
Time to fess up. This lady here is totally and for real shy. I don’t know what it is in my genetics that made me this way. It just is what it is.
In honor of this self discovery here’s the definition of the word I’ve been hiding from my whole life (how appropriate):
Shy = being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people.
Thing is that I’ve spent much of my life working on covering that up. I’ve learned strength in the eye of fear. I’ve learned courage. I try to keep to my comfort zone and stay there. I put my head down and work hard, staying in my circle of friends, even the ones that aren’t shy. This, I know isn’t healthy, but it’s a coping mechanism. Yet, I want soooo much more than that comfort zone allows for.
A side effect of hiding from myself is ever so many awkward moments as I’m working on shaking this ingrained challenge. If I click with someone in some way, I’ll attempt a connection only to botch it 9 times out of 10. I’m still not sure how I have made any friends at all or even how I found a partner. Yet I feel very lucky in this department. My friends and hubby are pretty amazing.
On my never-ending quest to become less introverted I have decided to say yes to life. When I can fit it in :-). This is difficult for me. More than many will ever know. So far this month I’ve tried two new things, but if time permits, I’m trying to go outside of my comfort zone every week. Curious how it’s going? Well, you’re in luck :-).
Adventure number one: I went with a friend to a social gathering a week or so ago. I was so nervous I was having trouble even writing my name down when I signed in. We had gone to a story slam. Sorry to offend or make your ears burn but it was a sex-positive story slam. Why not? What’s not to like? I like stories, I like… well you get where I’m going with this.
People were up there talking for five minutes or less about real life events as well as reading stories they had written. By far and wide, the real stories were the best. Truth is always more intriguing than fiction to me. It was interesting and fun. And yet, when it was over and my friend wanted to introduce me to someone, I started shaking in my boots. Wait, no, Nike’s. I stammered my way out of the introduction and all the way out of there.
Silly, shy me. Ah well, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Next up was going to a Halloween party in a town that was a bit of a drive away. I knew many of the people who were there, but just the idea of knocking on the door of a house I’d never been to, having to invite myself in and talk to someone I was unfamiliar with… well, I was aquiver to say the least. I mean, what if I had somehow gotten the wrong address? What if it was the right address but google maps brought me to the wrong place? Admit it, this has happened to at least one of you. I was so nervous that when we finally got there and I put my drink to my mouth I ended up pouring it down my chest. Good Lawd when will I get over this?
My new adventures are both interesting and fear inducing. But I’m doing it! That’s what’s important. So what if I look like a fool until I’ve actually ingested a glass of wine or cider (for the record, pouring it on your chest does not work in calming your nerves).
And now Kajagoogoo’s Too Shy keeps playing in the back of my mind.
I guess it could be worse.